It is no secret that good communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship. When it comes to “getting it on” many of us struggle to express our needs and desires.
Learning to communicate openly and honestly about our sexual preferences takes practice, humility and vulnerability.
There is no quick fix to better communication. That said, adopting the mindset and some practices below can lead to deeper intimacy and connection.
Show Up with Peace and Love
Practice Open Communication
Body Language Matters
Feel No Shame
Change It Up
Show Up with Peace and Love
Set the stage for open communication. Vulnerability and acceptance is key. If you are struggling to engage with kindness and understanding try clearing your mind of negative thoughts and feelings. This will take practice and a conscious effort to keep gratitude top of mind.
Be prepared and do things that help put and keep you in a good mood. Think positive thoughts. Plan some “me time” before you engage. Taking the time to feel good about yourself may empower you to show up feeling happy, attractive and ready to play.
Create the space and time needed to communicate fully. This will help avoid frustration when your words, thoughts and feelings are not being heard and provide the patience needed to also listen to your partner.
If sexplay is on the table it is important to free your mind from negative thoughts and fill it instead with happy thoughts and even fantasy.
Plan and schedule time to be intimate, eventually you may build it into your daily routine. Remember sex begets sex.
With practice you will get better and better at communicating your needs while giving your partner the space to do the same.
Tip: Plan some “me time” before you engage. There is nothing like regular exercise to distract and clear the mind from negative thoughts and feelings.
Practice Open Communication
Being truly open and vulnerable with your partner does not always come easy. It takes practice, courage, kindness, and understanding to listen and be heard. Practicing open communication is a dance that takes time, acceptance, and is often best served with humor and humility.
If sharing face-to-face is not yet for you, try to build up courage initiating the conversation via text and set a time and safe space to dig in together.
Intimate discussions do not always need to be heavy. Keep it light and exciting sometimes. Try sharing your fantasies and desires. Explore some “Dirty Talk”. One of the most exciting parts of any sexual relationship comes when you are free to speak your minds and explore without judgment.
Speaking up about what you want, while scary at first, can be very sexy. If you need a little help opening up try the oOYes Sex Quiz. It is free, virtual and enables partners to explore sex acts you each may be willing to try and come together to discuss.
Tip: The first step in sharing your desires is to identify them for yourself. What turns you on? What excites you while masturbating? Try journaling your erotic fantasies, there may just be an erotic novelist in you.
Body Language Matters
When giving and receiving feedback it is important to focus on the positive while gently encouraging in areas you’d like to see improvement. Instead of just pointing out what is wrong try framing your words in terms of what you would like more of. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t satisfy me” try saying, “I really enjoyed when you did that thing with your tongue, can we do more of that?”
Indulge in the moment, You cannot beat immediate feedback. While Meg Ryan’s iconic performance, faking an orgasm in, “When Harry Met Sally” can be seen as an example of rewarding good behavior, consistently faking your oO’s is not advisable and can lead to repeated, unsatisfactory experiences.
Moans and non-verbal communication such as touch, eye contact and expressions are great ways to encourage behavior that leads to sustainable pleasure. Help your partner know what is working by guiding them with non-verbal communication.
Keep in mind, women are capable of multiple oOrgasms while men are often “cum and done”. Slow it down, women take time to warm up. Guide your partner to the big “O” with progressive moans and encouraging words. This is a dance that takes practice. Keep your messaging clear. If your partner has a penis, faking your orgasm is a slippery slope that may be hard to come back from.
Tip: No words needed. Practice using moans, groans and non-verbal cues to guide your partner. Check out “Art of Moaning” .
Feel No Shame
When it comes to sex and drugs this may require dismantling years of cultural bias and stigma. This is not easy and it may take a conscious effort to free your mind and show up fully vulnerable. It is worth it. Bringing shame and judgement means your guard will be up and you are not allowing each other to be free and at ease.
Try role playing. Dress up and play the part. This is a great way to step outside yourself. If you are not showing up as yourself you have a free pass to dirty talk and to explore desires and fantasies you may otherwise find intimidating. Set the mood for role play with costumes and plan the night letting your partner know they are in for a treat.
If you have a partner to play with, build sex and intimacy into your weekly routines. oOrgasms are very good and healthy for you. If your partner is not on board, practice and familiarize yourself with masturbation. Dialing in daily orgasms will only make you want sex more.
What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. There is no shame in being you. This includes fluidity in sexuality and ethical non-monogamous relationships.
While a majority, 55% of Americans prefer complete monogamy, almost half would prefer some form of non-monogamy. According to a 2024 Match Singles survey, 31% of singles have explored consensual non-monogamy. As marriage and child birth declines, times are changing. There is no place for shame and judgement. Non-monogamous relationships are on the rise. Navigating this works best when communication and boundaries are clear.
Tip: Practice “Dirty Talk” on your own so when you take it to the bedroom it comes naturally for you. You got this. Talking dirty comes easier and easier with practice.
Change It Up
We all find ourselves trapped in entrenched roles. This can be who is submissive and dominant in the bedroom or, domestically, who always picks up the slack for cleaning, cooking and child care. Adapting to roles is not necessarily a bad thing. Routine can be healthy and help get us through the day.
Being mindful and considerate of the roles we play is important and can help create ways to break free from these traditional roles, even if only once in a while.
Sexcations and sex focused travel is another way to change things up. Plan a trip that is built around intimacy. Don’t bring the kids, friends or work. Keep the focus on each other.
Drugs such as cannabis, psychedelics, and MDMA can be used to elevate the senses and open communication. Like alcohol they can lower inhibitions, unlike alcohol they can also increase mindfulness, elevate your senses and let you drop into the moment. Dosed correctly, these drugs can open communication in ways that would be very difficult to reach without.
As cannabis and psychedelics continue to be de-criminalized and legalized we will have increased access to mind altering substances that can elevate the senses, open the mind and drop you into awareness. Using mind altering substances alongside sexy time can open communication and dramatically change the way you engage with each other.
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